Is this Patriot?

My junk mailbox can be an entertaining place.

I mentioned in an earlier post my fascination with Republican fundraising emails. I’m in their system because I gave a few bucks to a former college roommate who ran for office some years back. Once you are in, there’s no getting out. You can click the unsubscribe button at the bottom of their emails all you want.

At first, the fundraising pitches were vanilla, not much different from the tone and style I have seen Democratic campaigns use. It was in the run-up to the 2020 election when things changed. The emails from the Trump campaign and aligned groups took on a certain tone. An aggressive tone, belittling and used car salesman all at once.

My favorite, which I wish I could share with you but, alas, I don’t have anymore, was from Don Junior. In it, he said he showed President Trump a list of true patriots (you’re always a patriot) and the President was shocked, yes shocked, my name wasn’t on the list. I had ten minutes to correct this mistake.

Every so often, you win a prize. The other week, for instance, I received the coveted Trump Golden Eagle award:

Well, hot dang. I had no idea I was even in the running! Plus, I’m no longer just a patriot, I am the Patriot. Now, imagine my horror when I received this one week later:

I went from Trump Golden Eagle awardee to final warning. I’m now on a naughty Democrat list to boot. Nothing ominous about that at all. How did this happen?

Thankfully, presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway smoothed my ruffled feathers. She was impressed with my answers to a poll I never responded to:

Maybe it was this survey, where Republican leaders selected me after vigorous debate:

Or this one, where the Republican National Committee is negging me like a creepy pickup artist at last call:

All is well that ends well. Donald Trump has plucked me off the evil Democrat list and offered me an apprenticeship! He likes me, he really really likes me.

It’s all a little mental. First I’m being showered with love and precious metals, then I’m on the detain and/or kill list, then there’s a job offer. This relationship feels a tad abusive.

In all seriousness, there must be a reason why these emails sound the way they do. I assume it’s because they work. Campaigns measure these things, after all. The decisions are data-driven. If such tactics resulted in a poor return on investment, they would have switched by now. Yet, here we are years later and it’s just about the same pitch. It makes me sad for Trump supporters.

This is Patriot?

PS - For what it’s worth, Democrats stop sending you emails when you click unsubscribe.